Sunday, September 11, 2016

News from Nowhere Oslo

The alien slave raids grow more brazen every day.

No-one is safe from being sucked up in their mass tractor-beam abductions.

Saturday, September 10, 2016

When a new city of Clyde is created in my honour...

...I will insist that the street plan is based on the craquelure of Peder Balke paintings.
Conceivably there are secret subliminal messages there in Runic alphabet, perceptible only to Norwegian viewers.

Balke also painted lighthouses, providing "A Plague of Lighthouse-Keepers" as alternative title.

Sunday, September 4, 2016

What's going though your mind right now?

In the early days of lobotomies, the absence of x-rays and stereotactic devices made it difficult for the neurosurgeon to plan the lesion with any precision.
Not to mention the necessity of distracting the patient.

Saturday, September 3, 2016

From the dust I rose on high
Thunder cloud in a two-lane sky

Season follows season, as is their tiresome but time-honoured custom, and soon with the coming of Spring the garden bar at the Old Entomologist will be fit for human habitation again. At the moment it is only Old Jem who spends any time out there.

Which is a roundabout way of working up to warning you that another Riddled gardening column is about to occur. For your convenience, Old Jem's explanation of his garden-maintenance activities are translated into a rough approximation of English, rather than leave it in his own quaint but impenetrable rustic idiom, as a succession of meandering mouth-related sound-effects is liable to offend.

1. How many demons fell out of the sky in the course of winter and embedded themselves in the mud? Now it is time to get out the double-trenching spade and work up a sweat digging them in to a two-spit depth, or one capacious vomit, whichever comes first.

Despite an unpromising appearance, they make good fertiliser and enrich the humorous.
2. Have you checked the bindings around the mouths of the dragon stumps? Admit it, you forgot, everyone forgets... until the fabric perishes and their jaws are free and ugly rumours about missing children begin to percolate around the neighborhood again. That's why it's a good idea to wrap them with fresh bindings at the same time each year while the nasty brutes are quiet. I don't know why we grow them at all, it's not as if they produce any fermentable fruits; it must be a tradition, or an old charter or something.

3. There is still a heightened risk of lightning strike associated with the Magic Font. No-one knows why. Perhaps it is the wrong kind of magic.

How many other blogs pander to the bronies with Bach's "Trotatta & Fugue" and "Kaffeecanterta" arranged for 8 hooves on two invisible pianos?

None more. None more other blogs.

Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Nature abhors a vacuum, especially if it is an over-priced POS from Dyson

I have no idea why the lady is vacuuming the footpath, though it perhaps it is a scene from an episode of Der Tatortreiniger, which would explain a lot. Nor do I know why the homeless dude is importuning her to buy a lily. Together they fight crime! There are all the ingredients here for a great Country-&-Western song.

Friday, August 26, 2016

A wodge of it

"What is going on in the great water problem in NZ, the Watergate" I hopefully do not hear you ask. Well, me buckos, it can be summarised as bugger all.
Various people have gone on various media and said various things. The Prime Mincer (Hoban 1982) explained that the government was only the government and shouldn't be getting in the way of local government in dealing with all those sick people. "Ewww" he did not add.
The local gubblement people are all flappy hands about it still but good progress is being made in moving toward a scoping committee to look at various options for issuing a statement on the possibility of a statement being issued in the very near future. As soon as they get a handle on what the central government would like them to say.
However all is not lost for the denizens of Sickcity as the Central government has put some money where it's feeding orifice usually is and stumped up funds... for marketing... for businesses negatively impacted by the crisis (WHICH IS NOT A CRISIS BECAUSE WE DON'T HAVE CRISES IN THE HAPPIEST KINGDOM).
Yes, for those business people who can prove that they have had financial hardship, the G-men are gonna front up with $100,000 dollars...for the whole town... like the 100 businesses affected might get $1,000 each to buy a page in the local newspaper.
"Now with less Campylobacter" perhaps.
This was only announced yesterday (hmmm 5pm on a Friday night, what a funny time to announce such a thing) so there are no details available yet but I'm sure that the government who could not be arsed dealing with the NOT A CRISIS in the housing market of the largest city in NZ whose every action directly affects the whole country, will be pouring aid and advice into the area.
LOL
In Getting-Lost-In-The-Wilderness-News, a Polish woman has survived a month in the mountains of NZ after her partner fell off a cliff and died. She walked for two days through waist deep snow to find a mountain hut and after seeing that there was no food there, broke into the next door government workers hut where there was food and firewood. After a month her family contacted the NZ cops and within a day they had her back to safety. Good result. Except if you are an NZ conservative, of course. Readers of and scribblers to the National Party mouthpiece blog that says (HAHAHA)it is independent have been aghast at the money spent to rescue this person of a feminine disposition who had the affrontery to not be killed like her so-called partner was. Also, they have been full of how much better they would have handled it and why did she stay in the hut for a month? They would have cut down a  very large tree and built a snowplough which they would have used to fetch a doctor to bring her partner back to life since he had been in the snow, he wouldn't have been really dead argle blargle blargle. Dispiriting stuff, even from the crowd who would ban burkas but think young woman are asking for it.